Soup Nomad and the World Thingies
by Usagi-Zakura
Summary: In this extreme version of Soul Nomad, Revya goes on a journey to make people remember her name, while Gig just wants to kill everything and Danette is more forgetful than usual. All this and more insanity, in Usagi's newest parody.
1. The Adventure of Gig and whatshername

**Usagi: who wants to read a parody??**

**Sora: I do!**

**Usagi:...I thought you hated my fics...**

**Sora: only when I'm in them.**

**Usagi: ook... Well anyway. Welcome readers and people listening to others reading this out loud, to the newest fanfic of Usagi-Zakura, and the very first for the Soul Nomad fandom!**

**Zakura: can you try liking something and NOT ridiculing it? **

**Usagi: ... but making fun of things is fun! I don't want to do parodies of things I don't like or I'm sure to get a lot wrong... So instead I take fandoms I like, put them on the head or just make the characters extremely nuts. **

**Zakura: that won't be so hard.... Looking at the characters that already are in Soul Nomad.**

**Usagi: Talk to the tail, the ears don't want to listen anymore. **

**Anyway, if you like random humor, please enjoy Soup Nomad and the World Thingies!

* * *

  
**

**Chapter 1. **

**The Happy Adventures of Gig and What's-her-name

* * *

  
**

Once upon a time on an undisclosed location, two young girls were training.

"Gah! This is so irritating!" one of the girls said. A green-haired girl with horns and hoves. "I'm old enough now you know! We both are! We've been training forever! I'm totally ready to become a full fledged Chef!"

"Er…Danette. Don't you mean Sepp Warrior?" her red-haired human friend asked.

"That's what I said. Veterinarian. But Lady Layna still won't let me babysit her pet hamster!" Danette complained.

"She did. Last week. And you fed it rat poison so it died" the red-haired girl said.

"It's all your fault! You're too weak, that's why she won't take me seriously" Danette said.

"…" The other girl gave up.

"Fine whatever. If she thinks we need more training, let's have our 1083. Training session!" Danette said, drawing her swords. "Or wait….was it 1542? 931?"

"It's our 2327. session" The other girl said.

"Oh what you know? Let's just say it's our 1000. Time!" Danette said.

"2327!" her friend said.

"1000!"

"2327!"

The human girl pulled a sword and attacked Danette, the two were brawling for a few hours, until they both passed out because of the pain and several broken bones.

A bell went of, and Danette suddenly woke up.

"Lady Layna's summoning bell! She must be awake" she said.

"It could just be her wake up bell" the human girl said.

"We'll settle this argument later. Come on! I don't want to be late!" Danette said, ignoring her friend's comment completely.

Two days later the two girls appeared in front of Lady Layna. Who was reading a book when they arrived.

By the time the girls arrived, Layna looked up from her book, noticing they were both injured, and raised an eyebrow.

"What have you been doing? Revya, did Danette forget your name again?" she asked.

"No (or well she kind of did)…this was about how many training sessions we've had" the red haired Revya said.

"You've had two. Every other fight you've had have been silly arguments because Danette just so happens to have a bad memory" Layna said. "And you end up severely injured after all of them… I really wished you'd sto….KNOCK IT OF!" she shouted as Revya and Danette started fighting again.

"But she ate my chocolate!" Danette complained.

"It was my chocolate! It even had my name on it! Not that you'd remember…" Revya said.

Layna hit both in the head with a staff.

"It's been ten long years since I brought you here" Layna said when she decided they were both paying attention. "Today I shall grant you the weapons you need to protect our home…as long as you promise not to kill one another with it".

Danette looked up, the pain of her injures suddenly forgotten.

"Does that mean... You're finally going to make us groundskeepers?" she said. "And of course I won't kill Susie, she's my best friend."

"My name's not Susie… Okay" Revya said, as Layna held up her staff again, ready to hit.

"That's right. You'll be given power to protect those who can't protect themselves" Layna said, and used her staff to summon a bunch of weapons. "Now Danette, chose your weapon".

"Oh oh! I want this one!" Danette said and picked out the sickle sword. "I chose the Rocket Lancher!"

"We don't have one…but okay. That is really called the whisper of tranquillity, but you can call it rocket launcher if you like…and for you I only have this" Layna said and summoned a black sword for Revya.

"Why don't I get to chose?" Revya asked.

"It's all I have left" Layna said.

"What about all those weapons you just showed Danette?"

"I already donated them to needy children. TAKE THE DARN ONYX SWORD!" Layna yelled.

"Okay okay, geez" Revya said and grabbed the sword handle.

Suddenly the sword started giving of a dark glow, and laughed manically.

"Holy crap that took 200 years, two days and 34 minutes! Pick up the paste old hag!" the sword said. "So this is my sacrificial lamb huh? It's kind of girly but it's definitely got potential."

"Indeed. It has been many years, days and minutes Gig" Layna said. "I've also waited for this day."

"Lady Layna? What is this? What's going on with that sword and why don't I get such a badass weapon?" Danette asked.

"200 years, to days and 35 minutes ago I gazed into a dark shadow, and it gazed back… Then I put it in that sword because it was an asshole, and tried to destroy the world" Layna said. "And you're not getting one because you'd just go insane and go of and kill everyone with it."

"Oh come on. No one's that stupid" Danette said.

"How strong can he be if he got beaten by an old lady in one minute?" Revya asked, before she was suddenly wacked in the head by Layna and the sword.

"What are you talking about kid? I'm the biggest ass-kicker this world has ever known! But hey you can call be Gig" the voice said. "Also I'm taking over your body."

"No way! This is my body! I need it for seducing!" Revya complained.

".... Doubtfull" Gig replied.

"What do you know about it? You live in a sword, you don't even have eyes" Revya said.

"Then can I borrow yours?" Gig asked.

"....Fine, but only for a short time period so you can gaze upon my undying beauty" Revya said.

And so Gig packed up his things (whatever he was actually keeping inside the sword) and moved into Revya's head.

"Well this is certainly a lot better than that old sword" he said. "And for the record kid, it wouldn't hurt to eat less chocolate. Geez, you're obese!"

"Hey! Get out here and say that to my face!" Revya complained.

"I don't have a face. In fact I don't even have a body thanks to the hag here" Gig said, while Layna was chuckling. "So I guess that means we're soul-mates now."

"Well this stinks" Revya said.

"Ah you'll get used to it. Otherwise you could hope you get killed by one other master of death so that Gig can just take over your body full-time, then you won't have to worry about it" Layna said.

"Yeah that would work too" Gig said.

"Dream on. Can I kill him?" Revya asked.

"Not without killing yourself" Layna said. "Oooor have him use up all of his powers fighting some giant God of another world and somehow NOT use the chance to kick you out and steal your body but there's no way in hell that's ever going to happen.

I gave you that sword for a reason. Of all the children that have passed trhough this village only you were fitting to fuse with Gig…"

"Couldn't you at least have chosen a boy? I mean this feels kind of odd…"

"… and save the world from the evil world eaters. Even now you can hear the cry of the world…"

"…do I have to bring him with me all the time? What about when I'm going to the bathroom or taking a shower?"

"… if we don't destroy these world eaters soon surely it would mean the end of our world. Too few souls are coming trhough the cycle of rebirth…"

"If he had a nose I'm pretty sure he'd be nosebleeding right now!"

"Hey! Do I look like some kind of pervert??" Gig complained.

"…less and less babies are born…" Layna continued as if no one had ever said anything.

"How should I know? I've never seen you!" Revya said.

"…if this goes on…are you even listening?" Layna asked.

"I was Lady Layna" Danette said.

"Good. Then get out, I'm tired of listening to you fighting, Danette can tell you what I just said later" Layna said, pushing them out the door. "The first world eater is close to Raide. Good luck."

Revya gazed at the door.

"What were we supposed to be doing again?" She asked.

"Er….something about a world thingy…" Danette said.

"I'm pretty sure she means we should go over to the world eater, convince it to join us and then use it to destroy the world" Gig said and laughed manically.

"Hey that doesn't sound like such a bad idea!" Revya said.

"Now, hold on a second! We're not on the demon-path yet! We're supposed to be the heroes!" Danette said.

"Aaaaw" Revya and Gig both said in unison.

"Well alright then. Let's get on with this saving the world business so I can get on with killing everyone and found my own phony religion based on pure insanity" Revya said.

"You know you could just sign over your body to me, I can kill those world eaters with one flick of my finger" Gig said.

"No way! The moment you get my body you'll probably just run of to the nearest mirror and undress so you can see me naked!" Revya complained.

"I already told you, you're not my type! Why would I want to see you naked??" Gig complained.

"For all you know I just look fat because of all the clothes I'm wearing…" Revya said.

"Jenny! Stop trying to seduce the demon in your head and let's get going already!" Danette said.

"MY NAME'S NOT JENNY!"

--

A while later both girls arrived, covered in bandages at a clearing, in the middle of which stood a huge monstrous woman…all dressed in black and with a laptop in front of her.

"Writing angsty journals on DeviantArt again?" Gig said. "How is she even able to do that when the laptop is smaller than her hands…?"

"HOLY SHIT that's huge!" Danette yelled.

"You don't mind putting on a giant sign saying "Heroes over here, please kill" do you?" Revya asked.

"I'm out of paper" Danette admitted. "But I could just write it on the ground with my rock…"

"Hey! You there!"  
A couple of knights suddenly came up to them.

"What are you doing here?" their leader asked.

"We were going to kill the world eater?" Revya said.

"What? You two? No way. We're here to guard the world eater so we can't let you get close" the knight said.

"Why are you guarding it? Isn't it like…an enemy of the world or something?" Revya asked, trying to ignore Gig who was whispering "Kiiiiill hiiiim" in her head.

"… That's none of your business. We can't let you get close or it might get annoyed and kill everyone" the knight said.

"Actually it looks about ready to kill itself; I mean it has a rope around its neck" Revya said.

"It will be easy. He's not even wearing his helmet!" Gig said, who was still going on about killing the poor guy.

"Actually, Galahad… I saw it eating several sleeping pills earlier" one of the other knights said.

"Just take your sword, and shove it down his neck, lets see how long it takes till he bleeds to death" Gig said.

"Don't take their side!" Galahad said. "That thing is totally ready to destroy the whole planet if we as much as touch it so don't…."

"I'll even teach you a really badass move you can use" Gig said.

"What is that creepy voice that wants to kill me?" Galahad asked.

"Just the leader of the world eaters who was sealed away in a sword 200 years, two days and 45 minutes ago" Revya said. "Just ignore him; I'm hoping he'll go away if we do."

"Fat chance kid. I'm inside your head" Gig said. "Also if you want a friendly suggestion, I'm pretty sure Feinne has a box with scarlet iago-bacteria hidden around if you want to make it really painful."

"O…kay" Galahad said, and decided to take Revya's advice of ignoring Gig. "Well anyway, I can't let you get any close to the w…"

More he wasn't able to say because Danette suddenly kicked him at the back of his head, which with her hooves was very painful, and Galahad fainted.

"Now can we fight the world thingy?" she asked.

"What about the other guards?" Revya asked.

"Oh I killed them when no one was watching" Danette said, pointing to a pile of corpses behind her.

"Did I get put in the wrong body or what…?" Gig said.

* * *

**Usagi: So ends the first chapter of Soup Nomad. **

**Gig: Hey...**

**Usagi: what?**

**Gig: wanna kill Sora?**

**Sora: ...**

**Usagi: not now Gig... Please review if you like this random nonsense! And lets just hope Feinne doesn't commit suicide before the next chapter.**

**Zakura: that won't be a problem. Hardly anyone in Soul Nomad ever stays dead anyway.**

**Usagi: which can be a good thing, since all my favourite characters appear to be dying no matter what I watch...  
**


	2. Levin's Battle Against Racism

**Usagi: question; What is the best way to make time go when you're stuck in a house with limited internet access?**

**Zakura: judging by this update; write crack?**

**Usagi: correct! (Hey I didn't write all crack….I wrote some of DoH too but since that was already updated yesterday….**

**Zakura: or this morning, judging on how you see it.**

**Usagi: …I decided to update this one first. So here comes a new chapter of completely warping the personalities of the Soul Nomad characters making them more insane than they already were in the original…**

**I've been wondering sometimes, with Soul Nomad being full of so many different creatures, are any of them racist? (Well probably, with the nerids' behaviour towards humans, Raide against Nerids, Gig against mortals nad so on...) Don't get me wrong I am against racism, and in this chapter, so is Levin. But he drives it a bit too far...

* * *

**

**Chapter 2**

**Levin's Battle Against Racism.**

* * *

"That…was the worst idea you've ever had" Revya said.

"What? WHAT? I didn't hear you complain! Besides, you were the one who charged at the world thingy shouting "your ass is grass!" what the f does that mean anyway?" Danette said.

"It's world EATER. How hard is it to remember?" Gig said.

"World Thingy. It's even in the title" Danette replied.

"Did you write the title?" Gig asked.

The two girls were crawling on the ground looking for civilisation while Gig was entertaining himself with insulting Danette, after having been pwned so hard both their legs were broken.

"If you had only used my powers beating that thing would be EASY!" Gig said. "But nooo. You're so darn desperate to keep that fat ugly body of yours."

"It's all muscle! I need that to be able to pull myself all this way without using my legs anyway…" Revya said.

"Hey! You there!"

Revya and Danette looked up and noticed that they had arrived at a city gate without even noticing it.

There was a sepp standing outside the gate.

"Where do you think you are going? Sorry, but I can't let you in!" the sepp said.

"And what if we want to get in? You're outnumbered you know!" Revya said.

"Er…. No he isn't" another guy said.

"HOLY CRAP! WHERE DID HE COME FROM?" Gig shouted.

"I don't care! I can still beat you! I'm invincible!" Revya said.

"What in the world…your legs are broken and you can't walk. How are you supposed to beat us?" the sepp asked.

"I'll show you! Get over here and I'll bite your legs of!" Revya yelled.

"I'd rather stand over here thank you" the sepp replied.

"Curses…my plan is ruined."

"What's all this commotion?" a new voice asked.

Another man came out of the gate.

"Oh my! You girls are injured! Levin, why don't you let them in?" the man asked.

"But Christophe, they are strangers and obviously psychotic, one of them threatened to bite my legs of" the sepp named Levin said.

"I never did such a thing" Revya said. "I only begged him to save me and my poor little sister ("You're not the same species!" Levin complained) before we starve to death out here in this cold unforgiving wasteland where we were so brutally attacked by a masked dracon, his fearsome phynx and a powerful swordsman."

"How sad. Then we just have to help" Christphe said.

"Help? They're obviously lying…" Levin said. "Tell him Vitali….hey where did Vitali go?"  
"I never went anywhere. You just always seem to loose track of me" Vitali said.

"Oh sure, just because I'm a sepp I always loose track of you, that's so racist" Levin said.

"Are everyone in this town completely retarded?" Gig asked.

"Where did that voice come from?" Christophe asked.

"Just a master of death who's been sealed inside me for some reason" Revya said.

"Wow….that is so COOL! You're my new idol! Come on in and I'll invite you to dinner!" Christophe said before dragging both Danette and Revya in the gate.

--

A while later after a two week's stay at the Astec Hospital Danette and Revya found themselves in Christophe's dining room, in front of them a large table filled with nothing but golden fruits and a plate full of ashes.

"You're lucky! Levin's sister offered to make us some desert today" Christophe said.

"What is that? Ash-cake?" Revya asked.  
"Ash….. Levin…did you put your sister's cake on fire again?" Christophe said.

"Sure, always blame the sepp" Levin said rolling his eyes as he threw a box of matchsticks out the window. "Some redflank did it! You know all redflanks are pyromaniacs!"

"Is that so…. Well in that case, chase all the redflanks out of my house this instant Cuthbert!" Christophe said.  
"There are no redflanks here" another human, Cuthbert said.

"Wow! These hotpods are great!" Danette said, as she was already eating. "Hey….why aren't you eating?"

"I'm on a diet" Revya said pouting.

"Why? Its not just because that guy in there called you fat is it?" Danette said.

"I'm not eating anything until I can fit into the clothes I wore when I was ten!" Revya said.

"What? You honestly care about that?" Gig said. "Fine, I take it back. You're not obese; you're so bony no boy would ever want to go out with you!"

With no further objections Revya started eating a lot.

"Girls" Gig sighed.

"So now that you've all eaten, how would you girls like to help me out with a little problem?" Christophe suggested.

"We'd hate to" Revya said.

"Hey! We're supposed to be the heroes!" Danette said.

"Just wait till the demon path little girl, you are so dead" Gig muttered.

"You see, we've been having some problems with the nerids. Just a few days ago the knights of Raide were apparently assaulted by a nerid disguised as a green-haired sepp" Christophe said.

Revya gazed over at Danette.

"Really? How odd" Danette said. Having most likely forgotten the whole thing.

"Oh so just because they were dressed as sepps they haaaad to be nerids, how stereotypical" Levin said.

"How is it stereotypically nerid to dress up like a sepp? Anyway, would you mind going to the nerid camp and beat them up for us?" Christophe asked.

"Why? What did they do to you?" Revya asked.

"Well they attacked the knights of…"

"But what did they do to YOU?" Revya asked.

"He's just racist" Levin said.

"No I'm not…. They just…. Nerids are…..they…. JUST GO GET THEM!" Christophe yelled before pushing Revya, Danette, Levin and an empty spot of air out the door.

"Why did he push us out the door too?" Vitali asked, everyone was shocked has he suddenly appeared where they had previously only seen air.

"Don't you get it Vitali? It's so that we can do our duty and kill all the racists in this world! TO THE NERID CAMP!" Levin shouted before running of into the distance.

"Is he nuts?" Gig asked.

"Yes. Yes he is" Vitali said.

They followed Levin down to a beach, where they found him sunbathing.

"What took you so long?" he asked.

"Well excuse us for not being super-fast sepps" Revya said.

"Oh so just because I'm a sepp I have to be super-fast….speaking of racism where's Danette?" Levin asked.

"She crashed into a tree a while back so we just left her" Revya said.

"That's so racist."

"Oh it has nothing to do with her breed, she's just an idiot" Gig said.

"Okay. Then it's fine" Levin said.

"Heey! Wait up!" a voice said and Danette showed up, followed by a little boy in a hamsterball.

"What's with the kid?" Gig asked.

"I found him at a nearby school. It looked dangerous so I took him with me" Danette said.

"Dang…hello! We are going to war!" Levin said.

"Oh yay! You guys are gonna play with me first right? We can play with my dollies!" the kid said, pulling out a pair of Barbie-dolls. "They've got pretty boobs don't they?"

"Er…look kid, why don't you go pet the wild phynx over there because we're kind of going in a battle with the nerids and it could get bloody" Revya said.

"Cooooool. Hey! Race you there!" the boy said and ran as fast as he could in that giant hamsterball of his.

"No don't go that way!" Levin shouted.

After a while of running however they lost track of the kid and Levin got temporarily emo for being beaten by some human boy in a hamster ball, until a nerid showed up.

"Hey! Are you the ones coming to steal our treasure?" the nerid asked.

"Er…no? We were just passing through looking for some mer-people" Danette said.

"They ARE the "mer-people" Danette" Levin said. "Stop acting so idiotic, you make others think all sepps are stupid."

"Don't worry; we're not interested in any treasure. We just came to kick your butts" Revya said.

"Why?" the nerid asked.

"Because we haven't kicked butts in quite some time and we were getting bored. BRING IT ON!" Gig shouted.

"What are you guys? Retarded?" the nerid asked.

"You have no idea" Vitali sighed.

* * *

**Usagi: yes Juno, they are retarded indeed….**

**Please review. **


	3. Definitely Not Foreshadowing

**Usagi: Hello and welcome back. Seems this chapter came right on time!**

**Zakura: Right no time? It's been over 6 months!**

**Usagi: that's the good thing with having no deadline. Everything's on time, even after a 3 year hiatus. **

**Zakura: normal people would consider the fic dead after that long.**

**Usagi: details… I still want to complete this, at least ONE of my parody-fics, as I've quite missed writing them. So I decided to write a chapter completely free of spoilers.**

**Zakura: and by completely free we mean OF COURSE there's spoilers in it.**

**Usagi: enjoy! Some jokes may not be that understandable unless you've beaten the game.**

**Levin: that's rather racist against those who don't play Soul Nomad.**

**Usagi: no it isn't. Besides, if they haven't played Soul Nomad what are they doing reading a fanfic about it, Here's your bloody update.

* * *

**

**Chapter 3**

**This is Definitely not Foreshadowing

* * *

**

One exceptionally long and epic battle scene later.

"Wow. This writer sure knows how to do battle scenes" Revya said sarcastically.

"That was too easy! The only reason it took us eight hours to beat them is just because the kid is in too bad shape" Gig said.

"Well you're not exactly a body-builder yourself you know" Revya said.

"I wish I was, then I wouldn't have to use your body…" Gig said.

"That's not what body builder means…" Revya said.

"Oh this sucks!" said the nerid leader, she was sitting in a wheel chair in the water which had inner tubes for wheels, the other Nerid soldiers all lay around her in the water bleeding, except a couple who were devoured by sharks attracted by the smell of the blood. "We just want to destroy the world eater! Why would you get in our way?"

"They're trying to beat the world thingy too? Maybe these guys aren't our enemies!" Danette said.

"Of course they are! They want to destroy my weapon!" Gig said.

"And she's clearly breaking the laws of nature. Mer-people are supposed to have fish-tails! Not feet! And they're supposed to sing cheesy songs about life under the sea and being part of some guy's world!" Revya said.

"Stop taking his side and you've been watching far too many Dreamworks movies" said Danette.

"The Little Mermaid is Disney you stupid cow!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"The hell it isn't!"

"Hey! They're getting away" Vitali commented as the two girls started fighting.

"Shut up. This is fun to watch" Levin said, he was holding a bag of a suspicious glowing material which he was currently eating while watching the girls' fighting.

"By the way…what happened to that kid with the hamster ball?" Vitali asked.

Levin and Vitali looked down at the ground, and saw trails of a giant ball going down into the water.

"Oh! That little brat who thinks he's faster than me must have ratted us out!" Levin said.

"But boys can't be nerids" Vitali said.

"That's just racist…or sexist…or sex-racists. Actually I'm not quite sure" Levin said.

"And just what are you eating?" Vitali asked, suddenly noticing the glowing stuff.

"Just the souls of all those nerids who got eaten by sh… I mean popcorn. Yeah. Glowing popcorn. It's new" Levin said. "But that's not the point. What do we do now? We can't go into the ocean after them unless we had a yellow submarine."

"Why does it have to be yellow?" Vitali asked.

"Because the kid and the stupid cow just accidentally destroyed the blue one while fighting" Gig said. "Hey kid, if you let me take over your body I could kill her of in one strike."

"That doesn't sound like a bad ide… I mean no. Don't murder my friend. Let's just head back" Revya said, before pushing Danette into the shark-filled waters.

"Whaaaat?" Danette and Levin said. Or well Danette may actually have said "HELP I'M BEING EATEN ALIVE!" but nobody really cared.

"She's right. We should report this back to Christophe" Vitali said.

"HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!" Gig shouted.

"Wha…I've been standing here this whole time. I was even talking to you just now! You replied to my comment about the yellow submarine!" Vitali said.

"Yeah yeah. Look you need to wear a Neon-sign or something. You practically blend into the environment" Gig said.

"Gig's got a point. You've got to stop dressing up like an empty spot of air all the time" Levin said. "That's highly offensive towards air."

"Yeah. Just like dressing up like a sister-loving mancow is offensive to sister-loving mancows" Gig commented.

"I don't dress like a sister-loving mancow! I am a s…I mean a manc… I mean… STOP LOOKING AT ME!" Levin said before he ran away crying.

"What in the name of the grim reaper was that all about?" Revya asked.

"Well I can assure you it wasn't foreshadowing if that's what you think" Gig said.

--

After two hours of searching and two hours of going to see a movie, the party eventually found Levin sulking in his own bedroom, and complaining at how that SHOULD have been the first place they looked.

After yet another two hours of watching TV in Levin's room (only interrupted by him complaining that there were no Germans on any channel) they were back in Christophe's mansion.

"Okay so you wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me you're all epic failures and let the nerids escape?" Christophe said, still wearing his pyjamas.

"Why did we have to fight them again?" Revya asked.

"Because he's racist" Levin said.

"No I'm not! They were a threat. Oh well you did your best I suppose. So I prepared a little parting gift" Christophe said.

"YAY HOTPODS!" Gig screamed as he saw a plate of fruit. "Come on kid, all that fighting and watching movies has made me hungry!"

"Technically you don't even have a belly. You're just feeling hungry because I am, and Danette, don't get any ideas these are all mine and Gig's. If you as much as touch them I'll rip out your tongue!" Revya said.

"That's not fair! I think that guy in there has a bad influence on you" Danette said.

"No I'm not" Gig said.

"You heard him. He's okay" Revya said, with her mouth full of hotpods.

"Did you forget how he nearly destroyed the world 200 years ago?" Danette asked.

"No one's perfect…wait how did you know that? You're the most forgetful character in this game" Revya said.

"Know what? Oh hotpods! Can I have some?" Danette said.

"So I heard you guys were after the world eater?" Christophe said as Revya threw a hotpod at Danette, obviously the sepp girl wasn't the only one with a bad memory.

"Who wouldn't? It's an ugly thing, and the poems it writes aren't very good either. When I found out I was deeply moved. I didn't know there was anyone in this time an age with enough courage" Christophe said.

"Mffm mfmf mfmfwm" Revya said.

"What the kid's trying to say with her mouth full of hotpods is that that's rather self-contradicting" Gig said.

"Well since beating that monster would also benefit this city, how about you keep the slaves I sent with you?" Christophe suggested, completely ignoring Gig's comment.

"That's so offensive, referring to us as slaves" Levin said. "Besides I need to help look after my sister!"

"That's not off...hey wait it is! We're not slaves!" Vitali said.

"Levin. We just met your sister in your house and she seemed perfectly capable of looking after herself. In fact she was making you food and reminding YOU to be home in time for dinner" Revya said.

"Don't worry. I'll make sure Euphoria is well looked after. Besides don't you think it's your duty to destroy whatever threatens our world?" Christophe said.

Levin gazed at him, and then he broke out in laughter.

"Sorry. I just thought of a funny joke… But I can't…snicker….my sister means more to me than anything! And to force me to abandon her now that's just cruel!"

"Coughsisterlovingmancowcough" Gig coughed.

"Darnit Levin! Just go out and explore the world so I can rent your room out to traveling circus-people!" said a sepp girl who suddenly poked in through the window (at the 10. floor).

"Fine I'll go! But you better take care of her!" Levin said.

"She just climbed up to the tenth floor of a building made of stone. She looks in pretty good shape to me!" Revya said.

Suddenly the entire building shook, Euphoria fell down from the window, but just a couple of seconds later she came running in the door.

"Hey, the world eater just woke up! It's going berserk!" she said.

"How on earth did you have time to check that in two seconds?" Gig asked.

"Like I said…" Revya started.

"Oh just because she's in good shape there's no way she has a terminal illness right?" Levin said. "That's so racist."

--

Six hours of sleep later the party was back at the area where the world eater was.

There they saw a guy throwing mudballs at the world eater.

"Hey! What are you looking at? Your worst nightmare is over here! The great Endorph-man is here to kill you!" the guy said.

"Hurray. Another retard" Gig said. "He's taking on the world eater alone by…throwing mud at it…"

"Hey that reminds me. Shouldn't you know everything about these things? Can't you tell us about its weakness?" Danette said.

"Oh gee. Let me think. That one over there is ridiculously emo and tries to kill herself whenever the chance occurs, one communicates only by laughing and the third one accuses everyone of being racist for no reason" Gig said.

"How racist!" Levin commented.

"OMG Really?" Danette asked.

"That's the dumbest explanation I've ever heard" Revya said.

"Yeah like I'd tell you how to defeat them" Gig said.

"Aw. Sounds like I could have been best friends with that last one" Levin said.

Suddenly the knights showed up completely out of nowhere, confronting the guy who was throwing mudballs at the world eater.

Two bandits peeked out from behind a rock.

"Hey boss. All the knights just showed up!" one of the bandits said, stating the obvious. "What are we going to do? What should we do? We're doomed! Call Batman! Or Superman! Or Justice League! WHERE ARE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS WHEN WE NEED THEM?!"

"Fear not my fellow men! I'll protect you!" Endorph said. "I'm also going to protect those random people and the spot of air over there!" he added pointing to the main party.

Just then the knights noticed our sorry excuse for heroes as well.

"Hey! Who are you? Are you with that mud-flinging idiot?" a knight asked.

"Hell no. Like we would hang out with maniacs like that" Revya said.

"Yeah! That would be racist!" Levin added.

"We don't know that mancow either" Gig said.

"Well I've done what I came for. So we'll get going now" Endorph said, and then he and his crew ran away.

"Damnit! They just took of and left us holding the bacon!" Levin said.

"Then why the heck did you steal that bacon?" Vitali asked.

"I like bacon" Levin added, and took a bite of the bacon he had stolen from the leader of the knights.

"Holy hell he's fast" Gig said.

"Let's go after that weirdo!" Revya suggested, and then they all ran of.

"Hey stop! Give me back my bacon!" the leader of the knights said.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" another knight asked.

"I haven't got a clue" the leader said, and took a look back at the world eater. "Aw man, it's all covered in mud. You there, clean it up" he said to an empty spot of air where a knight just stood. "Fine. I'll do it myself then" the leader said, and took out a sponge.

* * *

**Zakura: oooh. Foreshadowing!**

**Danette: to what? I didn't see anything?**

**Gig: gosh you really are stupid! **

**Usagi: So are you Gig. And now Walnut has arrived!**

**Zakura: I'm surprised you know his real name considering you just traded Phantom Brave for Final Fantasy X…**

**Usagi: It was the only NIS-game I didn't like… But yeah I know Walnut. Because I have ESP.**

**Zakura: Or as normal people call it: Internet.**

**Usagi: That works too… PLEASE REVIEW!**


	4. Walnut Man

**Usagi: so first I don't upload anything for months and then there's two updates in three days (three updates counting the DoH-update I did yesterday). That's got to be good right?**

**Revya: FINALLY! The sooner this fic continues the sooner I can kill everyone (evil laugh)**

**Usagi: Revya… You're not supposed to kill one. You're the hero. Gig is the psychotic one.**

**Revya: (groan) Why do I have to be the hero?**

**Usagi: Because I say so. There's another hero appearing in this chapter too. Namely Walnut man!**

**Shauna: (groan)**

**Usagi: why do I get the feeling none of the characters in my fics LIKE my fics?**

**Sora: Isn't that bloody obvious?**

**Usagi: no. Here's the chapter:

* * *

**

**Chapter 4**

**Walnut-Man

* * *

**

A while later, the sun was going down as Gig and Revya had gotten lost in the woods.

"Okay. We're completely and utterly lost, the sun's going down and I have no freaking clue where the stupid cows went" Gig said.

"Thanks for letting me know. I never would have figured out we were lost if you hadn't told me" Revya said.

"I still think you really need to start exercising, you're in terrible shape. Ten minutes a day can really do wonders" Gig replied.

"I've been training almost non-stop for ten freaking years jerkass!" Revya said.

"We're all snails compared to the fleet-footed Sepp people" Vitali said.

"DAMN IT! You just scared the crap out of me!" Gig said. "What did we tell you about dressing up like a spot of air? At least say something before you pop up like that."

"I just did say something and I am NOT dressed like a spot of air!" Vitali complained.

--

While Revya, Gig and Vitali were arguing (or most likely in the middle of a violent fight knowing Revya…I mean Gig. Because Revya is the hero) Levin and Danette appeared at a camp of some sort.

"I think they lost us" Danette said, noticing that her friend was missing.

"Good. We're better of without those stupid humans anyway" Levin said.

"Er…isn't that kind of racist?" Danette asked.

"I'm never racist! So what is this place?" Levin asked.

"I believe it's a camp" a voice said.

"Who's that? Ambush! The racists are attacking!" Levin said.

Just then Vitali showed up, in a wheel-chair.

"Oh…Hi empty wheelchair" Levin said calmly.

Next Revya came walking. "Who's in bad shape now huh? He broke both his legs while I'M still walking" she said boasting to Gig. "I mean… that all happened when we were fighting a giant boar. I didn't beat up Vitali or anything" she quickly said when she saw the two sepps.

"Jerk" Vitali said.

"How did you get here before us? Especially considering you both seem to have been in a fight" Danette said, while Levin seemed to get horribly depressed again at the thought of someone being faster than him.

"A better question should be why the hell did you run of without us? Do you have any idea how long we were searching for you?" Gig asked.

"Hey yeah… The above text said that you guys arrived here while we were fighting, yet somehow we're here now so... I'm confused" Revya said.

"Oh no! That's right! I was supposed to stay close to you!" Danette said.

"Why? Are you stalking me?" Revya asked.

"It's because your mentally unstable that's why!" Danette said.

"I AM NOT MENTALLY UNSTABLE! TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL CHOP OF YOUR HORNS WITH THIS!" Revya screamed, waving her sword at Danette.

"Yeah you tell her kid. You're obviously the picture of mental health" Gig said.

"Who's there?" a female voice said.

A gypsy woman walked up to the main party.

"Oh hi. Do you live here? We're sort of lost" Danette said. "What is this place?"

"Oh this? This is a super-secret camp that just loves travellers! You guys have wandered in to the happiest place on the planet" the woman said.

"Disney Land?" Danette said excitedly.

"That joke pretty much wrote itself didn't it?" Gig remarked.

"If you love travellers so much why do you live in the middle of nowhere where no one can find you?" Revya asked.

"Hey boys! We've got some guests! Treat them nicely would yah?" the woman said.

A bunch of bandits surrounded our heroes.

"Hi guys! Would you like some candy?" One of them said, and offered the party a bag of chips.

"That's a nasty injury you've got there, do you need some painkillers?" one asked Vitali.

"Here, let me oil your wheelchair" a third one said.

"I was being sarcastic you morons!" the woman groaned.

"HOLD IT!" a familiar voice said.

The wannabe Super Hero came out of one of the tents.

"Endorph! Why did you stop the party?" Shauna asked.

"I cannot allow you to harm these innocent people! They are guests, treat them like one of our own" Endorph said.

"That's what we were doing but Shauna just complained at us when we did" one of the bandits said.

"Sorry about that. She gets carried away sometimes" Endorph said. "Come with me to my tent. We don't have much to offer but you'll be safe here while you get some rest."

"Hey! You're that moron we saw before! What were you doing back there?" Revya asked.

"I saw you guys before, you were fighting the world eater before right? You looked so brave I thought I'd try the same thing" Endorph said.

"You were throwing mudballs at the world eater" Revya said.

"Well I couldn't be throwing snowballs out in the desert could I?" Endorph remarked.

"That was still rather stupid. Feinne might be suicidal but she doesn't die from getting mudballs thrown at her" Levin said.

Vitali cast him a strange look. "How do you suddenly know so much about world eaters?"

"I'm just pretending to be stupid so that my enemies will underestimate me in battle and do a mistake" Levin said.

"Still I don't understand why you fought it. What good could possibly come from pissing that thing of?" Endorph said.

"If that's what you thought why did you do it? Are you suicidal too?" Revya asked.

"No one can destroy me! Because I'm secretly…" Endorph said, he ran into his tent and returned, wearing his underwear on top of his pants and a pair of geeky glasses. "WALNUT-MAN!"

Everyone around stared at him as if he was insane, except the bandits and Shauna who just looked bored.

"But don't tell anyone. I keep a secret identity so that I won't be overrun by journalists and girls who want to marry me" he whispered.

"I was the one who suggested that so that when people see me with Endorph they won't think I hang out with that madman" Shauna whispered. "But now I wished I never bothered…"

"I can understand you. I wish I could trick Danette into wearing a costume" Revya whispered back.

"Also we're on a sworn mission, pledged to destroy all the world eaters!" Danette said.

"I'm not. I just tagged along because my sister threw me out of the house" Levin said.

"That sounds stupid too" Shauna said.

"Well it wasn't our idea" Revya said. "But I was bored and Lady Layna took away my PS2 so I couldn't play GTA anymore."

"Shut up! People are gonna think video games are to blame for your violent behaviour!" Gig said. "And then our game series will be cancelled."

"Series? Soul Nomad and the World Eaters is ONE game" Revya said.

"It's just one game SO FAR" Gig said. "We so need a sequel, if anything so I can wipe that smug grin of Etna's face."

Suddenly the earth shock, interrupting the gang's fourth wall breaking.

"Another Earthquake. We've had a lot of those lately" Endorph said.

"I can't take you serious with your underwear outside your pants" Shauna said.

"Always with the shaking. That's a definite proof that something's wrong" Danette said.

"You think so? Are you guys environmentalists or something?" Endorph asked.

"Take. Of. That. Costume" Shauna said.

"God no! That's practically an insult! I should kill you for that!" Gig said.

"Oh yeah we hate the environment" Levin said, as he was kicking up flowers out of boredom. "I want to build a shopping mall in this forest."

"Have you thought about rounding up some more freedom fighters to help you?" Endorph asked.

"You can have him for free. The Walnut-man-costume too" Shauna said.

"No. We have enough maniacs in our group. However if the sister-loving mancow dies you can take his spot" Gig said.

"That's not what I meant. But it sounds like your goals are the same as the nerids, why don't you ask them for help?" Endorph asked.

"Just the costume then?" Shauna asked.

"Well they do sound more useful than a man who doesn't think he'll be recognized by wearing a pair of stupid glasses and his underwear outside his pants" Revya said.

"Oh yeah that would be super-annoying right? The leader of the nerids is here as a fact. Let me get her" Endorph said. "But I gotta change first, she doesn't know about my secret identity yet."

"Great. Finally" Shauna sighed.

"Why would the nerid leader be here?" Levin asked.

Endorph went into his tent to change. Having done so he went to get the Nerid leader, who turned out to be the same Nerid they had been fighting before.

"OH SHIT ITS YOU!" the nerid and Revya shouted in unison.

"Hey why so mad Juno and… whoever you are" Endorph said. "You guys have a common goal. Why don't you work together?"

"What? There's no way I can trust them! That girl is obviously psychotic and her friends are no better" Juno said.

"Aw come on. Danette is a bit odd but she's not psychotic" Revya said.

"Hey that was all a mistake! We didn't know the whole story!" Danette said.

"Yeah we totally thought you were racists. It could happen to anyone" Levin said.

"Actually that only happens with you around and repeatedly" Vitali said.

"Juno calm down. Whatever happened in the past you should all fight together in the name of justice. Don't forget what Walnut Man said in his comics about always taking help wherever you can find it!" Endorph said and held up a comic book that appeared to have been drawn by a four year-old. The comic's title seemed to be "Valdorfmon".

Revya gazed at a dialogue box that suddenly appeared in the air before her, it had two alternatives on it:

I apologize for what we did before.

I'm sorry and hope we can cooperate.

"Where's the "Go to sleep cuz everyone's stupid"-option?" She asked.

"Fine. But only if I don't have to read that stupid comic ever again, and you guys need to prove that you're not some spy" Juno said. "If you can sneak into Raide and get some useful information we might be able to trust you."

"So to prove we're not spies we have to help you spy on someone. Makes perfect sense" Revya said.

"Okay it's settled. Another good day's work for Walnut-Man!" Endorph said. "Your beds have been prepared. You can sleep safe tonight. Just make sure no one slits your throats while you're sleeping."

"That sounds safe alright" Revya said.

--

That night Gig and Revya were having a strange dream.

_Gig was standing around in some castle, as a smiling man arrived in the room._

"_It seems you've regained enough power" the smiling man said. "Next we must seek to restore order in the other world, so that it will be just as big of a paradise as my world of Drazil."  
"Did you say something? I was too busy destroying the walls of your house" Gig said._

"_Ach… not again… Look. Just take these three world eaters with you and get moving already" the no longer smiling man said. "I've used only the most powerful souls in their construction. They are equal to none other. Bring them under your dominion to devour the world. Then we shall rebuild."_

"_Sounds good to me. Or wait…it's not the emo one, the constantly laughing one and the one who accuses everyone of being racists is it?" Gig asked._

"_No…" the no longer smiling man said._

"_It is them isn't it… You're just trying to get rid of them by pushing them onto me right?" Gig asked._

"_JUST GET OUT AND DO YOUR JOB!" the now very angry man said._

"What the hell man! What the hell kind of dream was that?" Gig suddenly yelled.

"Who was that smiling man?" Revya asked.

"The worst boss ever" Gig said. "Doesn't matter."

* * *

**Revya: Did we skip a dream-sequence?**

**Usagi: I believe we did… I think there was supposed to be one earlier but I forgot about it. Oh well, at least I remembered Drazil's first appearance as the no longer smiling man.**

**Gig: he's a bigger jerk than he was in the original!**

**Usagi: Yeah. You'd think he'd be glad for that extra window.**

**Drazil: Ugh… I'm just glad that was a flashback. My world is a much better place without those four around. Feinne just kept jumping out of tall buildings killing people as she hit them, Thuris was just driving people insane and Raksha was accusing everyone of being racist…. AND EVERYONE IN DRAZIL LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME!**

**Zakura: Reminds you of anything?**

**Levin: that is just creepy. **

**Gig: I already pointed that out in chapter 3. **

**Usagi: Please review everyone! Oh one's already come in: You are a terrible person and you should get the heck of the internet before I hit you with a giant key…okay Sora, once again, characters are not allowed to review.**

**Sora: but I'm not a character in this fic!**

**Usagi: it goes for all of them. Please review those of you who exist outside of someone's imagination!**


	5. Mission Raide

**Usagi: Hello and welcome, to another chapter of Soup Nomad written at 3 am in the morning.**

**Zakura: yet uploaded at noon.**

**Usagi: yes…since I figured I might as well upload it when I wasn't too tired to proof-read.**

**Zakura: since when did you ever proof read anything? I thought you trusted the MS word's built in spellcheck.**

**Usagi: (Gaze) Yeah…sure. Normally I trust it to catch most of them, but I might as well read it over to be sure:3 Enjoy:

* * *

**

**Chapter 5**

**Mission Raide

* * *

**

During the night Revya and crew decided to sneak out of Endorph's camp.

"Why are we sneaking?" Juno asked.

"No one told you to come. And since you ask, I don't want to see that retard in the walnut-suit ever again" Revya whispered back. "And before you say that's racist Levin, don't" she added.

"I wasn't going to. I hate him too. He's almost as bad as redflanks" Levin said.

As they came out of the forest, they spotted a small village ahead, and a strange guy with a mask.

"Finally! After all this time I can get my revenge!" the guy said.

"Uh…who are you again?" Danette said.

"You forgot? How dare you!" the guy said.

"Normally I'd blame Danette's awful memory but I agree. Do we know you?" Revya asked.

"But…we fought each other back in chapter 2! Remember? Me and my fearsome beasts, and the blazing swordsman Gesthal… Dio of the evil eye?" the man said.

"Do you remember any of that?" Revya asked Juno.

"I wasn't with you then jerkass" Juno commented.

"I do have a pretty bad memory I admit that much. But I'm 100% positive that never happened" Danette said.

"Chapter 2….oh that's when we showed up badly injured after fighting Feinne the first time… and I definitely didn't see any stupid dracon or "fearsome beasts" on the way" Gig said.

"Damn you! You will pay for those insults" Dio said, and summoned two scruffy looking phynx and an old sepp guy.

"Will this take long? I told the old lady I'd be back before dinner" the old guy said.

"Now I'm completely sure we never met those guys before" Levin said.

"Yeah…don't worry old guy, we'll kill you quick enough" Revya said. "I mean get you out of the way…because I only kill bad guys. I'm the hero you know. And we have a world to save."

One epic battle later.

"Seriously, if you're gonna say the battle is epic, WRITE IT!" Revya complained at the author.

Among the main party she was noticeably the only one left standing. The others were sitting on benches and chairs scattered everywhere, most with horrible injures such as Levin had a scratch on his knee, Vitali was still in a wheelchair from having been beaten up by Revya previously, Danette's hair was dirty, Juno had a broken fingernail and Gig's soul had a tiny cut.

"This cannot be!" Dio said as he and his party was taken away by an ambulance.

"What's all this commotion?" a man's voice said.

Revya turned around and noticed Galahad.

"Oh. You're the troublemaker from before" Galahad said.

"Who's this dofus and doesn't he know the word troublemaker is offensive?" Levin said.

"He's a knight who got beat up by Danette" Revya said.

"You brought backup? You sneaky bastards!" Galahad said.

"Oh like I would need that. These guys just followed me home" Revya said.

"You make it seem like we're lost puppies or something" Vitali said.

"HOLY SHIT WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?" Gig shouted.

"I hate you both" Vitali replied.

"Guards! Arrest them! They're the laptogs of the nerids!" Galahad said.

"No way! We don't work for Nerids!" Revya said, she turned around and noticed Juno. "Except that one. She loves nerids, go ahead and arrest her."

"I hate you too" Juno said.

"Whatever. We don't have time for this" Revya said. "Besides I'm hungry. Let's just go."

"Hey! You can't just leave!" Galahad said.

"Too late, they already have" one of the guards said.

Galahad suddenly noticed all the chairs and benches were empty, Vitali even left his wheelchair behind.

"No I didn't!" Vitali said. "I can't believe they ditched me!"

--

After having escaped from the knights Revya and the gang met up in the forest again.

"I feel like someone's missing…" she said.

"Maybe he got himself captured by those guards" Gig said. "Good riddance! I don't think he liked me."

"Really? Who doesn't like you?" Revya asked.

"Oh you mean the empty spot of air that's been following us around?" Levin said. "Don't worry. He's fine. He probably sneaked into the city to spy on them. That's what he's best at, being missed is like his forte."

"I don't miss him. He was mean to Gig" Revya said.

"Hi guys! Where'd you run of to? Did you find out anything useful? I heard you raised some hell out there!" Endorph said as he ran up to the party.

"And there's another guy I haven't missed…and if you knew we raised some hell why do you ask where we were?" Revya asked.

"I missed you…" Endorph said.

"It was a waste of time. They didn't even bring back anything useful" Juno said. "Like cold-medicine. I was running out of some for Penn."

"Why? Is he sick?" Danette asked.

"No. I just give him medicine for every disease known to nerids just in case" Juno said.

"I…don't think all that medicine can be good for him" Revya said.

"Oh what do YOU know about medicine?" Juno said.

"I know quite a lot. I had to give Danette some whenever she injured herself" Revya said.

"I wonder whose fault that was…" Gig said.

"She forgot my name…and she still does" Revya said.

"I never do that Bob. Geez" Danette said.

"Whatever. The deal's of. Lets just pretend it never happened" Juno said.

"Here it is" Vitali said.

"GAH-damnit! Stop doing that!" Gig said.

"I will when you stop LEAVING ME BEHIND! I'm in a freaking wheelchair, you now I can't run!" Vitali said.

"Sorry. We forgot you existed. What did you get?" Revya asked.

"He hasn't shown up yet" Vitali said. "The child of the Grand Cordon… He was kidnapped by the nerids 7 years ago."

"The hell he wasn't! Penn is our child!" Juno said.

"You just revealed yourself right there…" Revya said.

"Now I get it! You Nerids can't have kids on your own right? So you kidnap kids from Raide!" Levin said. "How racist."

"That statement of yours is what's racist" Revya said.

"No! That's not it! We would never take a child by force by anyone!" Juno said.

"What about giving them some candy and hope they follow you by their own free will?" Danette suggested.

"Or if you sing very beautifully don't they get hypnotized and follow you anywhere?" Endorph said.

Juno glared at him.

"I was just asking…" Endorph said. "And hey. Did you guys know the king of Raide is poor a as a church-rat?"

"What kind of country is Raide anyway?" Revya asked.

"Well the inhabitants are fairly independent, but they're all unified under the king" Vitali said. "I didn't have time to find out about his invisible finances though."

"Man this is getting really complicated. I have no clue what's going on. Guess I'll just have to pretend I get it" Levin said.

"Good idea. I'll do the same. Time to put on my serious-face" Danette said.

"It doesn't really work when you say it out loud" Gig said. "This is boring. So before we can face the world eater we have to take out all these knights? Frigging lame. I wished I had my old powers, then they'd be dead in a heartbeat."

"Yeah same here….cept the old powers thing" Revya said.

"That man. The Gran Cordon right? That one's strong, any old jackass from the street wouldn't stand a chance" Endorph said.

"I'm not an old jackass from the street!" Revya said.

"Also my uncle was an old jackass from the street! I find that statement racist!" Levin said.

"He sounds quite powerful indeed" Vitali said.

"Does he have the powers of a reincarnated god of death?" Revya.

"Perhaps it's too early to go charging in with such a small force" Vitali said.

"Near-god-like-powers? Hello?" Revya said.

"Being human is so inconvenient. Why can't you just do what you want when you want?" Gig said.

"Yeah. Why not?" Revya asked.

"Stop agreeing with the voice in your head… If you die you won't be of any use. If you have any concern for the world you wouldn't throw your lives away" Endorph said.

"Gig's already died" Revya commented. "Maybe I didn't make it clear but he's the GOD of death. The freaking Grim Reaper!"

"I also think I've made it clear before I don't give a crap about the world" Levin said. "As long as my sister is fine."

"It's late. We should get some sleep" Endorph said.

"The sun's about to rise…" Revya said.

"Then again we HAVE been up half the night fighting those retards and the dracon" Danette said.

"Oh yeah good point. DIBS ON THE TOP BUNK!" Revya said.

"NO WAY! THAT ONE'S MINE!" Gig said.

"WE SHARE THE BODY JERKASS!" Revya shouted.

--

That night in Revya and Gig's dream.

_Gig stood in front of a dying dracon wearing a mask. As usual Gig himself had no injuries, the dracon was in a hospital bed, just don't ask me where that came from._

"_Gh! This wasn't supposed to happen!" the dracon said. "The magnificent sorcerer of the evil eye has never known defeat…except during verbal arguments with Lord Median."_

"_Hey. I'll give you some credit. You weren't bad for a human" Gig said. "Maybe you'd stand a chance if you practiced for like a thousand years, two weeks, seven days and six and a half hour."_

"_If Lord Median were here you would know true power... and stupidity…" the dracon said._

"_What was that last thing you said?"_

"_True Power."_

_"Really? Cause I was sure I heard… What the hell is a Median?"_

_The dracon seemed surprised. "How could you not know? He conquered and unified the world only 75 years ago" he said._

"_Never heard of him" Gig said. "He'd be dead and gone now anyway. That means he's just another piece of trash!"_

"_Comparing Median to trash is offensive to trash!" a booming voice said._

"_Raksha, shut the hell up and go back to destroying that orphanage over there" Gig said. "And tell Feinne to get of LiveJournal for ten minutes. She'll only be annoying the other users with her constant whining and I want them DEAD!"_

"_How dare you! Median fought and defeated a Master of Death! He was like really really strong!" the dracon said._

"_Oh I'm so impressed. Oh and those masters of death you mentioned? I'm one of them" Gig said. "You say this Median guy can kick my ass? Then drag his rotten ass out of the ground and bring him here. It would be my pleasure to kill him all over again. But somehow I doubt you have the power over life and death."_

"_Gh. Lord Median. I'm sorry, I have failed" The dracon said. "I will leave my task to my son, he will take my name, and job, destroying every hope he ever had of having a life and own identity… we must have patience… until he's ready."_

"_Wow…I'm not the nicest guy ever but you're being a bastard to your own son" Gig said. "Anyway, prepare to die!"_

_With a single movement he cut the hospital bed in half, killing the dracon in it, while laughing manically._

Two hundred years later Revya awoke with a shock and fell out of the bed.

"That man…isn't that?" she said.

Gig yawned. "Now I remember…there was a guy like that back then…hardly anything to fall out of bed for" he said.

"I didn't fall out. You kicked me" Revya said.

"Don't be stupid… Maybe that lame guy we met was a descendant or something." Gig said. "To have such lousy offspring…. If I'd bothered to bury him he'd be rolling in his brave.

Meanwhile at some random castle, a couple of random bones rolled around a bit.

* * *

**Usagi: Poor Dio, he has to take a lot of crap being in this fanfic.**

**Zakura: who doesn't?**

**Usagi: Good point.**

**Please review!**


	6. Meeting Euphoria

**Usagi: Hey look. It's a chapter of a dorky fanfic!**

**Revya: and it's getting stupider by the day.**

**Usagi: May I remind you of Rule 1 of Usagi's fanfics? Opinions from fictional characters doesn't count.**

**Zakura: So why don't you take advice from me? I'm not fictional.**

**Usagi: Because you're a rabbit. **

**Zakura: KILLER Rabbit.**

**Usagi: Whatever, here's the chapter:

* * *

**

**Chapter 6**

**Meeting Euphoria

* * *

**

Revya was awoken again a few hours later by sounds outside.

"Who dares awaken the mighty Walnut-man?" Endorph asked as he came out of his tent, which happened to be the largest one on the camp. It had a giant sign on it saying "Walnut-Man's secret HQ. Please look the other way."

"Shauna's gone! She was here just a while ago but now she and her followers are gone!" one of the bandits outside said.

"Okay calm down… none of you killed her did you?" Endorph asked the main party who were also coming out of their tents.

"The only person on this place who's not annoyingly insane? Of course not" Revya said, who was carrying her bloody sword over her shoulder. "If we were like that you'd be dead long ago… the sword? Totally unrelated."

"There was an assassin in our tent" Danette said.

"Oh right. That happens a lot… Well ever since I took Shauna's spot as head honcho I knew there was going to be trouble. But I did it anyway. Because I like danger" Endorph said.

"Why didn't you just kill her then?" Revya asked.

"Walnut-man never kills innocents!"

"Innocent? She's a bandit leader for crying out loud. I'm sure she's been sentenced to death in a few cities already. Even more than me!"

"That would make it two cities" Levin said. "Though I must admit giving you a death sentence for knocking over a tree was quite unfair."

"Now where do you think she went?" Endorph asked the bandits, apparently deciding to ignore Revya and Levin.

"She's probably headed to Astec. That's where she planned her first attack" the bandit said. "Not to mention there's a trail of robbed travellers on the way over there" he added and pointed to a road out of the bandit camp with a sign marked "Astec", and sure enough every tenth foot on the way there was either an empty carriage or knocked out travellers.

"Astec? My sister is there!" Levin said.

"Well she was very pissed when I refused to attack the place. But that's not my style to hurt innocents" Endorph said.

"So why did you become leader of a group of bandits?" Revya asked.

"It was the only job available" Endorph said.

"Actually everyone else fired him for being mentally disturbed" the bandit said.  
"But you're fine with it?" Revya asked.

"Have you seen the rest of the crew?" the bandit asked and pointed behind him.

Several of the other bandits were running around pretending to be air-planes, one was dressed in a Walnut-man costume which he was happily showing of to his friends, and others were dancing.

"The sane ones went with Shauna" the first bandit said.

"What about you?" Revya asked.  
"I have split personality" the bandit said. "I think she's trying to completely destroy the city."

"Then let's go save the city!" Endorph said.

"I don't care what happens to the city, as long as my sister is fine" Levin said.

"Alright… so here's the plan. Lets all go save the city except Levin and Levin can go save his sister" Endorph suggested.

"Who's gonna save the world?" Danette asked.

"Oh let it rot" Levin said. "Let's go!"

--

You chase after Shauna and reach the city of Astec.

"Uhm… Miss typer rabbit-racoony thing?" Revya said, gazing up at the sky (as she wasn't quite sure where else to look. "The reader isn't going anywhere. (Unless they finally realized this is stupidly written and went to a better website). WE are the ones who arrived at Astec."

My bad.

"Ugh. Let's just keep going, so we don't have to read this stupid narration. Look there's Shauna" Revya said.

They spotted Shauna and her bandits by the old folk's home where they were beating on an old crippled man.

"She's beating up old people! How cruel!" Danette said.

"That looks fun…I mean how mean!" Revya said quickly as Danette cast her a disturbed look.

"I was hoping for a decent fight at least. I think I might fall asleep" Shauna said annoyed.

"The guards have been destroyed already? No way!" Levin said.

But Vitali took a look around. "No…there they are. Passed out drunk" he said, and pointed to the guards who all lay in a pile with several rum-bottles next to them. Only one was still alive and recited a story on how he escaped a deserted island on a pair of tortoises.

"Good god they're worthless" Gig said. "At least if the bandits prefer to beat up old people over the guards… and the old man just beat up one of the bandits."

Just then Shauna discovered our heroes and Levin.

"Oh hey there. Funny meeting you here. How did you know where we were?" she asked.

"The pile of bodies on the way was kind of a big clue" Revya said. "But you know, things are pretty dangerous around here. Maybe you should go before you get hurt."

"That's my line! I'm the villain here!" Shauna said.

"Sorry. Are you going to destroy the city?" Revya said with fake concern in her voice.

"Oh who knows? I think the people living there could use a break from the monotony" Shauna said. "Hell maybe the city is already go… hey listen to me while I'm talking!" she said as Revya started beating on the old folk's home.

"What? You weren't destroying it" Revya said innocently.

"You know…destroying things isn't very nice" Danette said.

"But its fun!" Revya said.

"If it's broken just build another one. What could be easier?" Shauna said.

"Not destroying it in the first place?" the crippled old man said as he held one of the bandits in a deadlock.

"That's horrible I can't let you do that!" Levin said.

"Hear hear!" Vitali said.

"Why are you destroying cities when there's all this untouched nature around?" Levin asked.

"Hear…hey what?" Vitali said.

"Besides where's my sister?" Levin said, completely ignoring the empty spot of air in the wheelchair.

"Why does everyone insist on getting in my way?" Shauna asked.

"I'm not. He just wanted his sister back" Revya said, she was standing in the rubble that was once the old folk's home.

"Idiots… maybe you would like it if I just killed you right now. Everyone! Drop what you're doing, its time to sweep these specks of dust out the door!" Shauna said to the bandits, but as she looked behind her, her crew had already fainted. They all lied in hospital beds around the crippled old man who was completely unhurt.

"Have no fear! Walnut-man is here!" a voice said.

"Oh crap. It's that looser. We must part ways for now. Hmp!" Shauna said and jumped into the ambulance which had just arrived, as the doctors carried her henchmen inside. "Oh and by the way, some sepp girl fainted by that tree over there. Maybe you should check that she's okay" she said before the ambulance drove of (completely ignoring the fainted sepp apparently).

"Could it be…Sis! I told her trees were dangerous!" Levin said. "She better be okay, or I'll burn this entire forest down as revenge!"

"I really doubt the forest is to blame" Revya said as the sepp ran of.

Sure enough, there was a sepp girl by the tree, along with Endorph.

"Hey can you stand up? You're probably weak, but there's no need to fear. The great Walnut-man is here to help you" he said. "But it's my secret identity so don't tell anyone k?"

The girl however, jumped to her feet. "Yes, I'm fine. Sorry for the trouble" she said. "And your secret is safe with me…wow wait till all my friends learn that I met a real super hero! I'm Euphoria. May I ask your real name so I can tell all my friends what it is?"

"Endorph! I knew you were in league with the evil forces of nature!" Levin yelled. "Get away from my sister! You too tree!"

"Gee, thanks for revealing my secret identity jackass" Endorph said as the tree walked away sad. "Well looks like your environmentally-unfriendly and mentally disturbed little brother is here. Guess I'll be going then."

"Thanks again mr Endorph" Euphoria said as Endorph went to comfort the tree.

"Sis! Did he touch you? Did the tree try to rape you? Speak to me sis! DOES SOMEONE HERE KNOW CPR?" Levin yelled.

"Levin stop! Don't talk like that. He saved my life, and you've got to stop with this irrational hatred of nature. He's a wonderful man, and the tree was being very polite" Euphoria said.

"Am I the only one who just saw that tree crying?" Revya asked. "Since when do trees cry? Since when do they walk or be very polite anyway?"

"Oh I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for that. Anyway, why are you here?" Euphoria asked.

"Whaddaya mean why am I here? I was worried about you!" Levin said.

"Oh dear. Don't tell me you've abounded your duty again. Why must you be such a naughty little boy?" Euphoria said.

"I'm not. I'm a naughty BIG boy" Levin said, Euphoria hit him in the head with a tree-branch.

"I think I have an idea why Levin hates nature so much" Revya whispered to Danette.

"Levin hates nature?" Danette asked.

"I simply cannot allow you to cause such trouble! Stop ruining nature and try to save the world like you're supposed to" Euphoria said annoyed. "Oh and who's your new friend?"

"I'm Revya. But if you're anything like everyone else in this game you probably won't remember it anyway" Revya said.

"Oh heavens yes! I can't believe I didn't recognize you. I've heard so much about you from my brother" Euphoria said. "She doesn't look like a crazy homicidal maniac?" she added to Levin.

"Did you just see the old folk's home she just knocked over?" Levin asked. "I would show you but it seems the crippled man has already rebuilt it…"

"You'd be dead meat if it wasn't for me and my though as nails attitude!" Gig said.

"Actually the old man beat up all the bandits. We didn't really do anything but cause property damage" Revya said.

"Oh, and that alluring voice must be Mr. Gig" Euphoria said.

"How come everyone knows YOUR name but no one uses mine?" Revya asked.

"Because I have better publicity and you're fat… oh for Vigilance's sake, stop throwing up! That's disgusting!" Gig said.

"If you come by again you should stop by my home. I'd like to make you all dinner. That's the least I can do" Euphoria said.

"What? You started cooking again?" Levin asked. "I swear that cooking of yours is going to be the end of me one day. Unless I gain near god-like powers before then."

Euphoria hit him over the head with the twig again.

"Then it's settled. Please look after my little brother and make sure he eats all his vegetables" Euphoria said. "I'd love to stay and chat but I have wrestling practise coming up. Bye!"

And then she left.

* * *

**Zakura: I think insanity ****must be infectious in this fic, everyone's starting to get just as crazy as Gig.**

**Usagi: You haven't played the original Soul Nomad…the demon path pretty much worked the same way…**

**Revya: What? The villains were pretty crazy to begin with. Shauna destroys cities for the heck of it because her childhood sucked, Lobo sells kids on the black market, Feinne is… Feinne, Raksha is…**

**Levin: Let's stop there. Shall we? **

**Usagi: yeah…and stop talking about villains who haven't been introduced yet. I want this fic to be spoiler-free!**

**Cast+Zakura: Spoiler free?**

**Usagi: okay… so it's not THAT spoiler free…**

**Please review! **


	7. Accidents

**Usagi: This chapter was written by accident.

* * *

**

**Chapter 7**

**Accidents

* * *

**

A while later the gang was at Christophe's manor.

"Thanks to you we are all safe now, and damage was kept to a minimum! Even if the only building that was actually destroyed was the one our heroine here broke" Christophe said.

"It was an accident" Revya.

"You broke it twice" Danette said.

"It was badly made. I just leaned on it and it fell over" Revya said. "The old people were fine though, everyone but the crippled old man went to a Marilyn Manson concert. They came back just after Levin… saved his sister from a rapist tree… Then I accidentally chased the old people for ten miles and kept accidentally hitting them with a wheelchair I accidentally stole from the crippled old man."

"And then you stole his wheelchair and ran home here with it just to be a douchebag?" Christophe's brother Cuthbert asked.

"What? Of course not! I would never do such a thing! Even by accident! The hospital gave me this after the crippled old man accidentally injured my leg" Revya said.

"Yeah Cuthbert. Stop assuming the worst of people" Christophe said. "Can't you see the poor girl's having a bad time?"

"This really isn't my lucky day. Now stay away or I might accidentally destroy the world with Gig's god-like powers" Revya said. "By accident."

"Yeah that happens a lot" Gig said. "Completely accidental of course".

"Oh you poor child!" Christophe said. "Here, have my most comfortable pillow. Would you like some food too? You can borrow my bed it you're tired. Here."

Christophe ran out of the room and later returned with five soldiers who were helping him push a giant four-poster bed into the meeting room, and placed Revya on it.

"Isn't that a little extreme? She didn't even break anything. She just strained a toe" Vitali said. "The doctors didn't give her the wheelchair either, she stole mine."

"Oh lighten up empty spot of air. You've been in a wheelchair since chapter 4, surely your injuries have healed by now" Gig said.

"That still doesn't give her the rights to steal it! I was gonna sell it on Ebay! Do you KNOW how much fans pay for a wheelchair that's been used by one of the main characters in a Japanese game?" Vitali said.

"You should be glad. They will pay even more now that it's been used by THE main character of a Japanese game" Revya said. "Heck, just lie and say it's been used by Cloud Strife and they will happily give you their souls and their firstborn child for it."

"Why would I want their soul and firstborn child?"

"I'll take the soul but the baby you can have for yourself" Levin said. "I hear they're good with…"

"Stop. We're not going there" Vitali said. "I'm just trying to tell you that stealing is not a good thing to do if you want to be a good hero…. She fell asleep?"

"It's a very comfortable bed" Christophe said shrugging.

_Meanwhile in Revya's dream, a man looking suspiciously a lot like the guy from the prologue of Soul Nomad and the World Eaters was walking back and forth in a room while a dracon mage was looking at a bed._

"_Dio, for the sixth time, stop staring at my wife" the first man told the dracon. "It's bad enough that I never get to see her but the way you're always looking at her is almost suspicious."_

"_I'm looking at her because I'm the only one with a medical education, Lord Median. You don't want her to die in child-birth do you?" the dracon, Dio said. _

"_Of course not! At least not before she gives birth to a healthy son!" Median said. "But I swear if that baby has horns…"_

_He was interrupted by the sound of a child crying._

_Dio picked up the baby from the covered up bed and presented it to Median._

"_It lives! And it has no horns… Its 100% human" he said. "Congratulations! It's a healthy baby g…"_

"_A son! Finally! You're going to grow up to be so big and strong!" Median said._

"_Actually…it's a girl" Dio said._

"_Hyri, thank you for delivering me such a beautiful child" Median continued, acting as if Dio was a distant relative of Vitali. "Listen my son, you are my heir. When I'm gone you will follow in my footsteps and guide this world."_

"_It's a daughter" Dio tried correcting his lord again._

"_That's right; you want the world don't you?" Median said as the bo…girl stopped crying. "Haha. Hyri, I think he understands what I'm saying."_

"_Sigh… If only you would understand what I'm saying. Have you thought of a name? I suggest Layna. That's a nice name for a girl" Dio said. _

"_Nonsense! That's a girl's name! And a sissy one at that, I would never name my most bellowed child something like that…maybe my second most bellowed but never my MOST bellowed! I know the perfect name. This child's name is…" Median said._

"… _What?" Dio asked._

"_I just told you! …" Median said._

"_I didn't quite catch that…" Dio said again._

"…"

"_Fine. Whatever" Dio sighed. "Why did I sign up for this job?"_

The scene faded to black.

"Hey, what was that about? Was that from when you were born?" Gig asked.

"How should I know? Do YOU remember when you were born?" Revya asked.

"I don't even remember how I first died. But for some reason that man in your dream pisses me off" Gig said. "And it's not because he can't tell baby boys from girls."

Revya sat up in her bed and noticed her friends (for lack of a better word) were packing their things.

"Oh finally you're awake. Levin's been trying to wake you up for several minutes" Danette said.

Revya looked to her side just as Levin hid a ray-gun behind his back.

"It looked more like you were trying to kill me" she said.

"Nonsense. What gives you that idea?" Levin asked.

"What's all those weapons doing behind you?" Revya asked.

Sure enough, behind Levin were a whole bunch of different weapons, ranging from bats and rusty nails to huge bombs.

"Well I was having a hard time waking you up…." Levin said.

"Fair enough, where are we going?" Revya asked.

"We're going back to the bandit camp" Vitali said.

"Puff or air said what? Why?" Revya asked.

"Well while you were sleeping we were trying to come up with a plan to actually SAVE the world instead of causing property damage…  
"I told you it was an accident! Let it drop already!"

"… So we decided to ask the nerids for help and since Juno tends to hang out at the bandit camp that would be the best place to start looking. Besides she asked me to deliver this tamiflu for Penn."

"Aw… Okay. But don't blame me if I accidentally murder Endorph" Revya said.

"Don't worry, no one would blame you for doing that" Levin said.

--

Two minutes later the gang were just exiting Christophe's house.

Two hours later they were back in the forest, but the bandit camp was gone.

"They even took down the roller coaster! How could they have time to do that?" Danette asked.

"Hey there's a note" Levin said and picked up a note hanging on one of the trees. ""I've gone to seek membership into the Justice League. The rest is up to you. Walnut-man" Dang. He's gone."

"There's something on the other side" Revya said and took the note from him. "It appears to be a map to the nerid's place. Huh, that's convenient."

"But everyone knows where the nerids live, it's not exactly hard to miss" Levin said and pointed at a spire that stuck out from the middle of the ocean. "The trick is getting there without running out of oxygen."

"Good point... But luckily we've got our own supply of air!" Revya said.

And so, thanks to Vitali (somehow…) they made their way to the nerids' throne room, there they met Juno, Penn and the nerid queen Alexemia, who unlike all the other nerids had an actual fish-tail.

"So you guys want to pick a fight with the knights of Raide? The Grand Cordon is a dangerous adversary" Alexemia said. "I should know. He got really pissed of when we stole his kid."

"So why'd you do that?" Danette asked.

"They were neglecting him!" Juno said. "I saw him sneeze once. If we let him stay with them he would die from a dangerous disease before his first birthday!"

"There's not a lot of oxygen in this ball" Penn said from inside his hamster-ball.

"It's better than the polluted air outside! I can't let you have breathing holes, you'll have to do with the plant I put in there" Juno said.

Suddenly the palace started shaking.

"Aaaaw. These earthquakes are scary! The other day I almost fell of a cliff because of one" Penn said.

"Penn! What were you doing near a cliff?" Juno asked.

"I just flew up there during the earthquake because of this rubber ball" Penn said. "Oooh, here I go."

The ball suddenly bounced into the air and landed on a cliff before falling back down.

Penn was fine though, thanks to all the pillows.

"STOP KICKNG THE BALL!" Juno yelled at Revya.

"Sorry. Whenever I see a ball I just have to kick it" Revya said. "I'm a soccer-girl."

"You always were a little overprotective Juno" Alexemia said as Revya started kicking Penn's ball again (to the boy's great joy) doing tricks with it and several nerid-guards had to hold down Juno to keep her from attacking. "Anyway Penn, would you like to meet your father?"

"Weeeee! You mean Juno isn't my real father? Weeee!" Penn asked.

"You thought I was a man?" Juno asked.

"Yes, I can barely even see your boobs! Unlike that girl, she's got big boobs. Can I touch them?" Penn asked.

Revya suddenly kicked the ball into the wall as hard as she could. This turned out to be a bad idea as it bounced back straight at her and knocked our hero into the water.

"Calm down Juno…and soccer-girl…"

"Revya."

"I know you've cared for him as your own. I would never ask you to let him go" Alexemia said. "But you must know: all that medication isn't good for him."

"Nonsense, what's the point in medication if it makes him sick?" Juno asked.

"Juno. I say this as your friend" Alexemia said and grabbed Juno's shoulder. "Get help! And stop stealing babies, no wonder no one likes us nerids anymore."

"That's so racist" Levin said.

"She does that a lot?" Revya asked.

"Yes. But all the others died from lack of oxygen" Alexemia said.

"That's why he as a plant in there, for photosynthesis" Juno said.

"You are mental" Revya said. "But by all means, go meet the Grand Cordon. I wanna see how this plays out."

* * *

**Usagi: If you wanna see how this plays out, please review. ****If you don't, review anyway! And then skip the next chapter. **


End file.
